Whenever I hear or read “my kids are my world and will always be first” — which has become a marching mantra in the Western world of single parenting — my knee-jerk reaction is to say **Get over yourself**. And even by the end of this post, I am going to stand by that same initial reaction. But let’s explore why the “kids are my world” mentality is doing more harm than good to society, and rather counter-productively weakens the notion of being a responsible parent.
First, whether unplanned or planned, it was *your* choice as a parent to bring kids into this roller coaster of human existence. And yes, with that choice comes a huge responsibility that should never be taken lightly. Yes, you are raising human beings who will be forever affected by your parenting abilities and influence. Many parents out there should be applauded for their commitment to raise kids who grow into productive, contributing members of society, and hopefully with a strong foundation of needed qualities: respect, compassion, good communication skills, healthy discipline, critical thinking skills, and both book smarts and street smarts.
The flip side is this: In my own observations and studies, particularly when engaging with single parents, there often seems to be some underlying, psychological issue or motive that isn’t so much about making their kids top priority.
Instead, it appears that the predominance of broken relationships — high divorce rate, non-marital relationships having a short shelf life, a hookup culture that is destroying real intimacy — are causing single parents, consciously or unconsciously, to use their kids as a crutch or odd healing mechanism to deal with their relationship woes.
Here are what some single parents have told me during conversations I have had with them about why they swear by “my kids are my world*:
*When I was with my ex, John, I did everything for him. I put him first. I am never doing that again if I end up in a new relationship”
*After my divorce from Steve, I decided to focus only on my kids*
*Now that my kids are all grown, maybe I will meet someone to spend time with*
*I am an empty-nester and now don’t know what do with myself.”
*I am fine being alone, as I have my kids, and that’s all I need.”
All of the above statements may sound relatively harmless and, of course, practical to single parents. However, in my opinion, they are also a key part of the reason why romantic relationships have taken a psychological beating over the past couple of generations.
Namely — and even if you shake your head at me or think I don’t know what the hell I am talking about — your romantic relationship is **just as important**, if not more important, as your relationship with your kids. Period.
And let’s face it: In our current Western climate — which has been focusing much more on entitlement than what people offer to a relationship — it’s no wonder we are all wrapped up inside our own heads and constantly making declarations such as “I am not gonna take any shit anymore”; or “I am better off alone than in a bad relationship; “or I deserve no less than the best”; or “if you don’t accept me, then take a walk”, or “I am me and nothing or nobody is going to change that”. In other words, the adult version of throwing a tantrum.
So, with that prevalent thinking, how are we supposed to take “my kids are my world” that seriously?
Furthermore, are you 100% *certain* that in your past relationship(s), you truly “gave everything” to you partner? Really, you were never selfish or unfair with your partner? Or that you have had your own emotional issues that have kept people from getting close to you? Or that you lost your identity in your relationship and blamed most of that on your partner, instead of owning up to your own inadequacies?
If I asked you what does it take for a relationship to thrive and last, what would your answer be? Honesty, communication, and trust? Well, if you did say that, you are kind of wrong. Sure, those are necessary to a relationship – not many people will dispute that. However, if you are not actively wanting to take the best possible care of your partner (and yes, that goes both ways), then you are doing an injustice to any form of relationship you have – and you don’t understand the real priorities that go with that.
The overarching glue to a lasting relationship is to bring out the best in each other, and be the best version of yourself to each other, When you do that as partners in a relationship, your kids, whether they are your biological kids or you are a step parent, will also reap the rewards of that – including that they will have a much better sense of conflict resolution, not being an easy quitter when things go wrong, and valuing romantic relationships the way we are taught to value family.
That’s because your romantic relationship IS your *family* too. Therefore, if you are unable to nurture that, then you are more likely to use other circumstances, including your kids, as an excuse not to face your problems and learn how to manage all kinds of relationships: romantic, platonic, work relationships, etc.
Bottom line: If you do not think that successful relationships, families, organizations, etc, start from the top down and not from the bottom up, then yes, your kids will continue to be your “world and will always be first”.
And then I will circle back to my knee-jerk reaction: Get over yourself.