In a prior topic, I covered the problems with parents who soapbox what has become an anthemic mantra in the dating world: “My kids are my world and will always be first.” I explained that although it is crucial to raise kids to be productive, contributing members of society who make the most of their potential, it is also just as crucial not to be an overprotective parent, or become too dependent on your kids, or use your single parent status as a protective mechanism against not resolving the rash of relationships issues that have manifested themselves in a big way in recent years. It is a terrible thing. And it needs to stop.
Now, let’s also look more closely at why it’s important for parents to be the primary owner of the relationship they have with their kids:
Let’s start with the simple fact that your kids did *not* choose to be born, nor to face a life of various hardships, illness, suffering, heart breaks, layoffs, paying bills, and, ultimately, death. If you think about it, becoming a parent is just as much a selfish pursuit as it as selfless one. For ages, people primarily reproduced to continue propagating the species and exploring opportunities to improve survival rates among humans, and hopefully build an overall better quality of life along the way.
It has only been within the past few generations that we have reproduced more out of pure luxury and “nice-to-haves”. For example, how many individuals or couples have you known who have said, “I grew up in a big family, and now I want to create a big family too”; or “I don’t want a lot of kids, just a couple”; or “I would love to have twins”; or any other number of reasons that are not out of necessary utility, but just because it’s nice to have options in life.
In other words, most people in First World, highly-developed societies are no longer having kids to help keep the farm alive and further their own chances to survive, or have a much less wretched existence. Now, it is pretty much about the sweet, endearing view of having kids, making memories, taking pictures every five minutes to keep the social media world up to date on your family journey, decorating the Christmas tree during the holidays, going on family vacations – and, of course, the numerous complexities now added to parenting: monitoring your kids’ activity on their smart phone; seeking ways to balance technology with quality family time; and now also probably a whole lot of stressed out parents because of the current quarantine and having to be home schooler, parent, and entertainer, all in one, all day, every day.
And while no family is without problems, there IS a problem with the parents who raise kids as if the kids should be indebted to the parents, or fulfill the identity that their parents want them to fit – whether that be expecting your kid to be successful in sports, or become a doctor someday, or achieve a certain social status in life (here in the U.S., that is often referred to as “The American Dream), or be a champion of whatever values or viewpoints you as a parent think are correct.
Some parents reading this may argue: “Hey, it’s good to provide structure and influence on kids, as they need direction and guidance.” Yes – but there is a sensitive line between indoctrinating your children on what to think vs. *how to think*. It’s not easy. And the aim of this post is not to oversimplify the challenges with striking a good balance in all areas of parenting.
However, what needs to be called out – in a big way—are parents who create distance from their kids; or have ridiculous standards; or disown their kids altogether, often to avoid working through tough issues, conversations, differences, etc.
I will use my own family as an example: It is a somewhat accurate stereotype that families with a heavy Italian or other Latin influence tend to be a bit more hot-blooded, argumentative, hold grudges and, at least in my own experience, raise kids with a code of “I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for you, so you owe me.”
But this isn’t just about my own family: This is about parents who set unfair expectations for their kids, and then become, well, immature “kids” themselves when the child they raised doesn’t fit with their grandiose plans for them. And from there, the parents distance themselves from their kids and write it off as “Well, I did all that I could – and now I need to cut my losses.” Ok, if you had a child who was clinically a psychopath and dreamed of ways to kill you; or if he/she became a serial killer or rapist; or developed some other hateful behavior that continually threatened the safety and well-being of the family – then, yes, that may require some degree of distancing to maintain some safety and security.
Of course, that is another complex subject in itself, as there could be genetic, environmental, or abusive circumstances that psychologically damaged the child. And sure, there are special cases in which it is necessary for parent and child to part ways. However, should parting ways ever be for rather petty reason — including ideological differences that, when fleshed out, actually don’t have to have much bearing on the parent / child relationship — as long as the foundational values of love, open communication, reasoning skills, and healthy rules for debate are instilled both ways?
To be more blunt: If you as a parent are disowning or distancing from your kids for weak or fallaciously self-serving reasons, you are a moral thug who needs help. You may even be a positive influence in other areas of your life – but poisoning the well with your kids makes you much less credible as that positive influence, and more that you are a flat-out hypocrite.
Instead, be a parent who actively nurtures the relationship with your kid, who listens to reason, who knows how to work through sometimes heated debates – and who recognizes that you signed up for a lifetime commitment, and it is *your* duty to honor that.