It doesn’t necessarily take a social scientist, or generally keen observer of human behavior, to see that men and women have been going through a tirade of interpersonal growing pains for the past couple of generations. Western women now have more opportunities, in a wide variety of arenas, than ever before in human history. In the 20th century, two major contributions to women’s rights and opportunities were birth control (the “pill”) developed in the 1960s, and tampons. Prior to these options being widely available, women had a hell of a time building out social freedoms and more easily maintaining their monthly periods.
So, it really has been only within the past fifty to sixty years that women have been able to branch out much more effectively in a wide variety of careers, pastimes, and other opportunities. Although we Westerners have made great strides in human progress, our experiment of how we can live and work together is still very much in-progress. We are all still learning how to deal with our flood of technological conveniences, male and female alignment in the workplace, and to what extent equal opportunity can flourish.
I am sincerely happy to see so many women have so many opportunities that were not so easily available for, yes, literally hundreds of thousands of years. Diversity, in all its forms, is important to human development and interaction. We are living in exponentially exciting times, where we get to watch – and participate – in how our society is progressing.
Yet our progress has come with extraordinary complications. Generations fight with each other over what period of time was the most meaningful and productive; the Left and Right are always fighting each other over just about every social issue under the sun; religious fundamentalists are fighting with a fast growing number of non-believers and those who identify as “spiritual but not religious; races and ethnic groups are still somewhat at odds with each other; and men and women can’t seem to decide whether they really want to get on together, or if it is even worth it anymore to have long term, intimate relationships.
And therein lies the question: Do we in the West still care about relationships? Putting aside “Brave New World”, or other Classic dystopian oriented novels that have eerily predicted a future filled with increasing apathy among people and the hypnotic control of the digital world — where are we going with the battle of the sexes? This battle is not improving at all. In fact, it’s mutating progress into a cringe-worthy, painful digress that is creating a heavily disenchanted, ultra-entitled, vastly desensitized culture of “it is what it is” and “I am better off alone than in a toxic relationship.”
But toxicity is not just limited to toxic masculinity, which has been unfairly and unilaterally blamed solely on men. Toxic femininity has grown quite a bit too. That could easily turn into a round-and-round, catch-22 argument of “If men were nicer to women, then women would be nicer to men, but women need to be nicer to men, so that men can be nicer to women”. That ferris wheel from hell has been spinning for way too long.
We all know, whether consciously or subconsciously, that both men AND women are to blame for the mess we have created here: a well over 50% divorce rate – I would argue that it’s closer to 70%–a hookup culture that complains about being a hookup culture, yet continues to be a hookup culture (another Catch22 argument); men and women chastising each other for their emotional and physical needs; men and women also setting unreasonably high expectations for relationships (or setting unreasonably low expectations), women wanting an edgy guy with a big heart, but getting more of a toxic edge and not a whole lot of heart to go with it; women sending mixing signals about how much or little attention they need; and everyone — unbelievably – ghosting each other, left and right, all the time, every day, year after year.
Yes, again, men and women are both to blame. I covered in another article, “MEN: Stop Being a Creep to Women”, the ways that men are killing human decency and why they need to change that. However, as with men, women do not get a waiver on the rotten behaviors they have been projecting, most clearly within the past 20 years. And on that note, here are the reasons that YOU as a woman are not getting through to men (yes, I know not *all” women fit these issues, but a rather high percentage *do*):
Problem #1: *Because of the misguided, 3rd Wave Feminism that’s leeched primarily into liberal discourse and fused into Western thinking in general, your language with your partners is now “This is what I want”; “This is what I don’t want”; “This is what I deserve”; “I can do *anything* you can do or better”; and “I am a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man”. It’s one thing to recognize that you are self-sufficient and don’t directly rely on someone to pay your bills – it’s another thing to be on an annoying, nails-on-a-chalkboard crusade about your rights. You will *never* get through to men that way.
Solution: Simply be a confident person who wants to be responsible and form a healthy partnership based on mutual responsibility. And do NOT grandstand your rights and privileges. Quality men will respect you much more for not being a windbag of entitlement.
Problem #2: You send mixed signals about your independence vs. expecting a man to take charge. Meaning, sometimes you can’t have it totally both ways. Unless you expect your partner to be a puppet who just dances on strings all day long while you paradoxically keep changing your mind about being assertive or submissive, you are wasting everyone’s time, including your own. Men are not big fans of coy or chronically indecisive women. It’s not “cute”. No, not it is not endearing at all. Make up your damn mind about what you want. And though, granted, some people tend to lean towards being more alpha or more beta, relationships still require balancing each other out. Purposely changing the game constantly makes you kind of an a-hole.
Solution: Be a real partner with, well, you partner. Take turns making plans. Discuss decisions as if you were peers at work needing to come up with a sound plan for your projects. Be engaging with each other. Not just occasionally –but **every day**.
Problem 3: You constantly chastise men for being more “visual” when it comes to sexual attraction. This is primarily a **biological** mechanism in men. There is no amount of social conditioning that is going to turn the vast majority of men into an exact mirror of women’s views on sexual attraction. Yes, many of us care about personality too. However, we are going to keep checking out your curves, your pretty facial features, your legs — you name it, men develop a fetish for it. And it’s why Pornhub and other adult sites are more popular than just about every other reason to spend time on the Internet.
That is, men — despite the unhealthy reasons for frequenting adult sites — *want* to check out women. Yes, men like busts. Yes, men like an ample backside. Yes, many men have overactive sexual imaginations – so much that there is a damn category on adult sites for just about every perverted thought imaginable. That’s not to say it can go too far or become too unhealthy of a pastime –and there are certainly some psychological aspects to it – but desiring your physical features is about as fundamental to human nature as eating and sleeping.
Solution: Of course, you should ignore guys who idiotically think much more with their hormones than wanting a real connection with you. However, rather than ruthlessly chastising men, learn why men both want and *need* to function they way they do. Learn that many men are quite balanced in many areas of our life – just that often includes a high libido. Balancing that can be tough at times. Show men that you want to understand why they desire you, why they want YOU to share in that desire for you.
Problem #4: You are trying too hard to match your abilities with men’s abilities. Studies have already shown that men and women are quite more alike in many ways than different. We don’t vary a lot in intelligence: men and women, on average, share similar levels of intelligence; we don’t actually vary so widely in aggression (it’s a 60 / 40 percentage split, with men being generally more aggressive, though not by a large margin); and both sexes have shared successes in the career world. Men, on average, are physically stronger than women; and men who workout intensely are dramatically stronger than women who work out intensely.
This doesn’t mean that women have to be inferior to men. Just as I don’t have an inferiority complex when compared to a Silverback gorilla. The chances of me being stronger than that gorilla are pretty much next to null. Men generally take on much more labor intensive jobs, and much more dangerous jobs, often because we have the physical means to move heavy equipment/objects from one place to another much more efficiently. But again, that is just a difference – it doesn’t have to be superiority vs. inferiority. After all, women go through the terrible pain of childbirth. Yes, we men aren’t physically built to handle that. Differences, differences, differences.
Solution: Simply put: Accept our differences. Embrace them as opportunities to be more effective partners with each other, rather than engaging in ridiculous competitions.
And the last, but not the least problem: You make your insecurities a primary part of your relationships. Ok, men get it: You hate that you gained 40 lbs. You don’t like your stretch marks. You don’t like your cellulite. You chatter endlessly about your weight, your jean size, that you need to get to the gym. You call yourself a “work in progress”. Yes, we are*all* our own worst critic. And yes, it is easy for us to get embarrassed about our flaws.
However, that is NO way to have a healthy relationship with your partner. Just like YOU want **confidence**, so do WE as men. Sorry, it’s not a turn-on to hear you lament about your body, how your embarrassed to show yourself naked because you are worried about what your partner will think. I will tell you what your partner is usually thinking: He’s thinking, “Hot damn, I want that”. Yes, a majority of the time men are thinking that, even when you are covering it with your hands and uttering, “I am not where I want to be with my body”. Or “I am not a skinny, Barbie doll, stick figure”. Yet you may be amazed at how much you are overreacting.
Solution: Start accepting that the man in your life is probably genuinely attracted to you. And men often even find flaws a bit sexy. That’s because they make you, YOU. And no matter how irrationally horny men get, yes, we are still quite capable of appreciating you as a person.
Let’s be **better** to each other! What do you say?